flowers and work

 I grew up working in the garden whether it was with my dad in the veggie garden we attempted every year or a flower garden with my mom. Some of my favorite memories with my Meme are of working in the gardens at her house. Now I have gardens of my own and I get to do most of the work myself. It's not easy and often is I think back to the amazing gardens of my mom and Meme, I get discouraged at how far I have to go to my gardens worthy of being compared to theirs.  Mom the other day as I was commenting on how far I have to go reminded me that the gardens I am comparing had years of work done before I can remember.  How often do I do that? compare where I am to someone who is older or on a different path? I look at where I am compared to someone who had years to work on their yard. I have only owned this place for almost 2 years.  I do the same thing on my walk with Christ. I compare where I am now to people who have had years longer than I have in their walk,  and this leads me to become discouraged and frustrated with what I see as slow or no growth. But when I look at myself now compared to a year ago or two I can see the growth. I can see the fruit or flowers God is growing in my life. The flowers in my yard only grow because I weed and remove plants blocking the sun and rain. At times I have to dig up the flowers, divide them and replant them. That way they continue to grow and thrive. If plants could think and talk I wonder what they would say when they see me come with the pruners and shovel? Would they think " Why would you move me? I am established here, all my friends are here. There is good soil here. I don't want to move!"  I know that was my thoughts 2 years ago when I moved to AL. Even a year ago when I went through a traumatic event. I asked God "Why are you doing this? You uprooted me separated me from my friends and placed me here for this to happen to me? I don't understand what you are doing!"  If I am 100% transparent and honest I even asked " Who would notice if I walked away from God?" Thankfully God did not let me walk away. He always had an answer to that question. Even know I don't know the extent of why I had to walk through this season but I can say that the flowers that grew out of it are blooming wonderfully in this season. 

These flowers did not bloom this magnificently last year because they were growing under the shade of a tree. With help a few weeks ago the tree came out now the flowers can bloom like they haven't in years!  Even now there is still more work to be done in this part of the yard. Once the blooms die in the fall I will dig them up, divide them and plant them in other places in the yard. This will allow them more space to bloom even better next year.  Just as God continues to work on the garden of my soul I will work on my gardens comparing them only to what was before. 

shame

 Shame, even just writing the word is uncomfortable. Shame builds a prison around us. It tells us to hide and keep silent about what we are going through. Shame has its place and its use. It will cause us to change and turn from sin. But what if the shame is not related to sin? Rather if the shame is because we are believing a lie? What do we do with it then? How do we get out of the prison of shame? This past year I have been walking through a trial that I never expected. In this trial, I started to feel shame. Now this trial was not caused by actions of mine, in fact, I could not have prevented it from happening. So why was I experiencing shame? My shame told me to keep silent, to not let anyone know what had happened or how much I was struggling in the aftermath. The shame started with a lie that I believed about the relationship between faith and trials. Somehow the idea, that by having enough faith all my trials in life would be easy. I knew that faith did not mean trials would never happen but the idea that if my faith was strong the trials would not be so hard, had worked its way into my thinking. So when faced with this trail that shook my world and threw me into the ring of trauma the logical thought was my faith was not strong enough. I was questioning why this happened to me, where was God in all this, and why did I not have enough faith to not question God's plan or his goodness.  It took me months to admit to myself and others that I was struggling with shame. It wasn't till I admitted it that I was able to start removing the gag shame had placed on me. I was only able to let go of the shame with God's help. God used a sermon on Joseph and a lesson on "Be still" to open my eyes to the truth and to start removing the gag and hold shame had on me. 

 Joseph did nothing to deserve the bad things that happened to him. It was all someone else's actions that landed him in jail. Even at the low points in Joseph's life, He never gave up on God. Joseph prospered in jail because he chose to be with God. Prospering doesn't mean trials will not come or they will be easy but rather comes from walking hand in hand with God in the trials. This thought was like a wrecking ball to the lie I was believing. With the foundation of the lie destroyed I was able to correct my thinking, but how did I let go of the shame that had become my consent accessory? That came from the lesson on "Be Still". The lesson was based on Psalm 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth." The Hebrew word translated "be still" in that verse has the idea of "slacken". The illustration given was that of playing tug of war with Satan when we stop holding so tight to the rope and allow God to step in and fight on our behalf, that is to "be still".  I do not have to fight satan when it comes to dealing with my shame, I have to slacken my hold and allow God to fight for me. Only then do I stand a chance of winning.  Letting go takes faith,  and it can be the smallest amount of faith but that is all God needs to do something amazing. That does not mean that the trial will be easy, in fact sometimes letting go is the hardest thing to do. It means that there is a person stronger than myself I can turn to in the hard trials of life. 

From Live to Joyful

 Every year I pick a word for the year. 2022's word was Live. I picked that word because 2021 I worked a lot, I had to so I could pay the bills. I didn't want to miss out on life because of work. Well in, 2022 I ended up moving to Alabama. This allowed me to experience this I never thought I would get to do. I went on my first missions' trip to Honduras. I visited Florida, Tennessee and Kannas. I also bought a house! I can say 2022 was full of living. For 2023 I picked the word Thrive. For 2023 I wanted to do more than just live I wanted to Thrive. To me that meant growing closer to Christ and walking through the doors placed before me. It meant making choices that would lead to financial stability.  I can't say 2023 went how I thought it would. It was full of highs and lows. I started teaching Sunday school at church. I started my cottage law bakery, got a promotion at work and made some great friends. Some of the lows where I had the most terrifying night of my life. And 4 days before 2023 came to a close I fell ice skating and sprained my wrist. (Decently sprained, at that even now I am typing one handed.)  Through everything God stayed faithful to me so that I could thrive under His wings. In the past year I have learned a deeper trust in the one who writes my story. 

The word I have picked for 2024 is Joyful. Merian Websters dictionary defines Joyful as experiencing, causing, or showing joy. Biblical joy is a choice. Joy is not based on what I experiencing or what trail I am going through. Being joyful is a choice I make despite my situation. It means I will praise in the storm. It means in the pain I chose to trust the Great Healer for healing. I have a feeling that 2024 will not go the way I think but I will Joyfully follow God wherever he leads me.

Bells and cheers

 For the past few months, I have struggled with trusting in God's goodness. I know He is good; I believe it with all my heart. God has proven time and again that He is good in my life.  And yet in this trial I found myself asking "If God is good, why did this happen to me?" A question that I thought I would never struggle with. I have walked through losing family members in different ways and times, going away to college, moving cross country and not knowing what God is doing with my life. But through all that I never asked, "If God is good, why...?" It's not that God has changed because He is unchanging, this test is not something I have encountered before. In the struggle I know where to turn, I turn to God!! He is not afraid of my questions and doubt, in fact He welcomes them. When I run to the Father with my questions, He holds my heart and reminds me His character.  This time was no different. One day when I was really struggling with trusting God's goodness, the song I Heard the Bells on Christmas day performed by Casting Crowns came up on my playlist. As the song played I thought back to last year when I saw the film about why Henry Longfellow wrote that song.  I thought about how Longfellow lost his wife and was injured in a fire, how he almost lost his son during the civil war. A war Longfellow did not want his son to fight in. But even after all that Henry Longfellow wrote:

And in despair I bowed my head:

"There is no peace on earth," I said,

"For hate is strong, and mocks the song

Of peace on earth, good will to men."

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:

"God is not dead, nor doth He sleep;

The wrong shall fail, the right prevail,

With peace on earth, good will to men."

If after all the hard stuff Longfellow could say that God is not dead or sleeping. He could say that God is good. There is a crowd of witnesses in Heaven that have endured trials like mine or harder and have fought the good fight. They are cheering me on. That motivates me to hang on and continue to trust that God is in control. To trust that He is good, and His plan is good. I can hold on to the fact that God is not done working on me yet. 

Philippians 1:6 "Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ" 

Storms

We all have storms in our lives. Hurricanes, tornadoes, and snow storms to name a few. We also go through figurative storms also known as tests or hardships. The last few months I have been in figurative storms, all crashing down at the same time. This morning driving to work I remembered two lines from different preachers. "God is God of the Storm." Dr. Steve Pettit  and "God is God in the storm." Pastor Cary Schmidt (I am 95% sure I have that right.)  After these thoughts crossed my mind the song Praise You in The Storm by Casting Crowns came on the radio. The course goes 

"You never left my side

And though my heart is torn 

I will praise You in this storm."

In the storms I am living through  God is good!! He has led me this far. God, through the pastor at my AL church, provided a working dryer when mine stopped working. Not only did Pastor  Brian get the dryer, he helped haul the old one out and the new one in. God surrounded me with godly friends who are okay with me texting them late at night when my emotions are all over the place.  God gave me some amazing sisters that have been with me encouraging me with each twist and turn. God gave me parents that care for me. God gave my parents the knowledge and tools to help me in this. God holds me when a song makes me fall apart. God is still the voice of truth when the father of lies tries to get me to believe his lies. 

I want to have the faith the disciples had when they woke Jesus when they were in the boat in the storm. Matthew 8:24-25 says "  And, behold, there arose a great tempest in the sea, insomuch that the ship was covered with the waves: but he was asleep.  And his disciples came to him, and awoke him, saying, Lord, save us: we perish."  For Most of my life I have heard this passage preached as the disciples had no faith. But Jesus does not say they have no faith in verse 26, He says "...O, Ye of little faith?..." The disciples had enough faith to wake up Jesus. If they had no faith they would not have bothered to turn to Jesus. If they had no faith then they would not believe that Jesus could do anything to change their situation. They might not have known what Jesus would do but, they believed he could do something. How often do I not turn to God in my storms? How often do I let my fear overtake my faith? Because I believe God is the creator of the universe then when a storm blows into my life He should be the one I run to.  

I may not know when the storm will end but I know who is LORD of the Storm! I can praise Him in the storm. I thank Him for the healing that has happened and will happen. I praise  Him for the peace that will be restored. I praise God for the good that will come from this storm. 

Fear vs trauma

 Growing up in a Christian home I heard all the verses about not fearing, I even memorized a few. Verses like "We are not given a spirit of fear, but of power, of love, and of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7 KJV. A few weeks ago I experienced something that left behind a lot of fear. I am talking about an event that rewrote how I viewed the world. After that event a friend  quoted this verse  to me. This person  meant it to be encouraging and comforting. It provided a bit of comfort. But then, the Father of lies used this truth to sow seeds of doubt and anger. Doubt that I was being a good Christian in this trial cause  I still felt the fear. Anger at myself  that I was not recovering  from the fear faster. Satan tried to convince me that because of the fear and panic I am still struggling with that God could not use me or make me whole again. Try as I might to shut down the lies and to not feel the fear, I could not in my own power. The more I tried the more the doubt grew. It was not till I studied the context of 2 Timothy 1:7 that the lies lost all their power.

Paul wrote that verse  to Timothy, his son in the faith. This was the last letter Paul would write. When you put 2 Timothy 1:7 in the context with verses 8-9. It paints a very different  picture. Paul is talking about the fear that stops us from sharing the gospel. In fact the Greek word Paul uses is deilia. This word has more of the meaning  of timidity. Matthew used the same word in Matthew 8:26 " And he saith unto them, Why are ye fearful, O ye of little faith? Then he arose, and rebuked the winds and the sea; and there was a great calm." The word translated "fearful" in this verse is the same Greek word Paul used in 2 Timothy. The word Paul used that we translate to  "sound mind"  is the Greek word for self- discipline. Paul is not giving a command to never fear but rather to not be controlled by fear. This similar to the exhortation to the Ephesians to allow the Holy Spirit to control them. God never expected us to not feel fear, but He expects us to turn to Him in our fear. In turning to Him we take control back from the hands of fear and place in the hands of our loving Lord. Sometimes fear comes from a place of uncertainty. This is the fear Paul is saying we are not to have, because of how big our God is. Other times fear comes from trauma. 

The Greek word for trauma  is translated  as wounds. It is only used once in the Bible, it is found in Luke 10:34. When it talks about the good Samaritan cleaning the wounds of the Jewish man. No one ever tells the Jewish man to not feel his wounds , or to not be afraid to walk that stretch of road. I wonder what he felt the next time had to travel that way. Did he insist that someone go with him? Did he try and google a different way to go? Did he freeze when he got to that point in the road? What did his family think about the sift in his actions? Did people tell him not to fear? Maybe one day I will be able to ask Jesus these questions. I know that these details would not help the point Jesus was making with this parable but still I wonder. The fear that I feel is not from a place of doubt and lack of faith but from a place that is wounded. Though I bare no physical wounds from the event that has cause the trauma, I bear the mental and emotional wounds. 

As I walk with God through the healing process I know He is in control and I will strive daily to allow Him to have total control. My prayer through all this is that God would show me Him self like He did with Job or to allow me to see some of the good that He is working because of this. 

Overwhelming fear, Bigger God

 Have you ever been overwhelmed  by fear? The type of fear that leaves  you shaking like a leaf in a hurricane? The type of fear that takes a long time to fully get over? The type of fear that is also called trauma?  I know I hadn't  till it rang my doorbell.  Maybe one day I will be able to tell you the whole story.  I have started the road of healing. It is going to take sometime, But God is with me. 

God was with me that morning protecting me. God was with me later when the panic came back. God knew I was going to need a week in a place I felt safe taking care of dogs and had that in place weeks before. A year ago God knew I was going to need a person that I trust to walk with me down this part of the road, so he lead me to start therapy.  

Just like Job who never got the answer to his question "Why did this happen to me, God?" I may never know the reason. But God is the same God. He still names the stars and leads them in seasons." Can you bind the chains of the Pleiades? Can you loosen Orion’s belt? Can you bring forth the constellations in their seasons or lead out the Bear with its cubs? Do you know the laws of the heavens? Can you set up God’s dominion over the earth? " Job 38: 31-33.  The same God that cares to knows the number of hairs on my head.  "Are not two sparrows sold for a farthing? and one of them shall not fall on the ground without your Father. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear ye not therefore, ye are of more value than many sparrows." Matthew 10:29-31.  

I have wonderful people in my life that are supporting me and helping me through this. I have faith that God will carry me through this just like He has every other trial I have faced. Because my God is bigger than my fear!!