shame

 Shame, even just writing the word is uncomfortable. Shame builds a prison around us. It tells us to hide and keep silent about what we are going through. Shame has its place and its use. It will cause us to change and turn from sin. But what if the shame is not related to sin? Rather if the shame is because we are believing a lie? What do we do with it then? How do we get out of the prison of shame? This past year I have been walking through a trial that I never expected. In this trial, I started to feel shame. Now this trial was not caused by actions of mine, in fact, I could not have prevented it from happening. So why was I experiencing shame? My shame told me to keep silent, to not let anyone know what had happened or how much I was struggling in the aftermath. The shame started with a lie that I believed about the relationship between faith and trials. Somehow the idea, that by having enough faith all my trials in life would be easy. I knew that faith did not mean trials would never happen but the idea that if my faith was strong the trials would not be so hard, had worked its way into my thinking. So when faced with this trail that shook my world and threw me into the ring of trauma the logical thought was my faith was not strong enough. I was questioning why this happened to me, where was God in all this, and why did I not have enough faith to not question God's plan or his goodness.  It took me months to admit to myself and others that I was struggling with shame. It wasn't till I admitted it that I was able to start removing the gag shame had placed on me. I was only able to let go of the shame with God's help. God used a sermon on Joseph and a lesson on "Be still" to open my eyes to the truth and to start removing the gag and hold shame had on me. 

 Joseph did nothing to deserve the bad things that happened to him. It was all someone else's actions that landed him in jail. Even at the low points in Joseph's life, He never gave up on God. Joseph prospered in jail because he chose to be with God. Prospering doesn't mean trials will not come or they will be easy but rather comes from walking hand in hand with God in the trials. This thought was like a wrecking ball to the lie I was believing. With the foundation of the lie destroyed I was able to correct my thinking, but how did I let go of the shame that had become my consent accessory? That came from the lesson on "Be Still". The lesson was based on Psalm 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth." The Hebrew word translated "be still" in that verse has the idea of "slacken". The illustration given was that of playing tug of war with Satan when we stop holding so tight to the rope and allow God to step in and fight on our behalf, that is to "be still".  I do not have to fight satan when it comes to dealing with my shame, I have to slacken my hold and allow God to fight for me. Only then do I stand a chance of winning.  Letting go takes faith,  and it can be the smallest amount of faith but that is all God needs to do something amazing. That does not mean that the trial will be easy, in fact sometimes letting go is the hardest thing to do. It means that there is a person stronger than myself I can turn to in the hard trials of life.