Hidden fears and desires

 We all have fears and desires that we keep hidden, for all different reasons. Today God showed me that even if I don't tell anyone, or even tell God, about my hidden fears and desires, He is still aware of them. 

The "hidden" fear I had was that when I started dating and eventually married, the man would want to take every issue and problem I had and fix it when I did not necessarily need him to take over and fix it. I am very independent. I was raised to be that way. I was made more so by living on my own for the last several years. Growing up, I had the thought of  "I don't want a man to swoop in and save me. I want one that will come alongside me and help me." I am so thankful that is the kind of man I have found in Chance. The other day I mentioned that I needed to find a new mower before next year. Mine is no longer made, and I have not been able to find a new blade for it. Chance's solution was to offer me a mower that he was not using. He did not try to make it so that I was not mowing the yard myself. He loaned me a mower that met my needs (my swamp Yankee self would not think of it as a gift). That leads me to a small hidden desire that no one knew about. I wanted a self-propelled battery-powered mower, but those are way outside my price range. I had only told Chance that I was okay with a battery-powered mower, since that is what I have been using for the last 4 years.  When I got the mower from Chance and really looked at it, it was a self-propelled battery-powered mower!! Mowing and weed-whacking would take me 2+ hours with my old mower. With the mower from Chance, it only took me an hour to get it all done!! I am just so blown away by how God planned every detail. God cares about the smallest details to show me that He can handle the bigger details if I trust Him. 

Empty, fullness and control

Can I just sit with you for a second? Share some Blackberry lemonade and spill all that is on my heart? Cause if I don't share, then I will either burst or it will all fade, and I don't want either to happen.     

    I just got back from an amazing mission trip to Mexico with my church and Casa Por Christo. The group of 34 believers built 2 houses for two different families that needed them, shared food and the gospel with under-reached groups in Mexico, and had sweet fellowship that only those with a common bond can share.  A trip that, if I'm totally transparent, I almost backed out of. Not because I did not want to go, but I felt as if my heart was not in it. I was struggling with so many different emotions that the doubt that sits on my shoulder and whispers lies almost had me convinced that, because I felt I had nothing else to give, poured out, and emotionally empty, I should not go. That I should take the week off and refill by staying home and not interacting with anyone. A very tempting idea for this introvert. But the voice of my parents, who instilled in me that if you say you are going to do something, you do it, told me I had to keep my word and go. I am very glad I listened to that voice and not my doubt. I might have felt empty that first day arriving at the site we would be building on, but when I left Mexico, I felt totally full.  A fullness that only God can give. It wasn't like it happened all at once, but rather the more I worked and poured into not only the people we went to serve but also those that where there to serve with me, I found my own cup filling. It reminded me of the story in 1 Kings 17:8-16 and how the widow's oil and flour did not run out when she did what Elijah and God asked of her. The last night in Mexico at the end of the time of devotion, which that night had been on sacrifice, we partook in the sacrament of the LORD's Table. I sat there holding this empty cup before the juice was poured in, just looking at it. Thinking about how empty I had felt at the beginning of the week, how I was just like that plastic cup, frail, flimsy, and empty till Jesus. Once the juice that represents the blood of Jesus was poured into the cup, it was no longer empty. Then it was like the Holy Spirit whispered in my ear and said, "Stop pouring out in your own strength. Allow me to fill you so that when you pour, it is my strength that is just overflowing out of you. My daughter, rest in my strength, trust in the fact that I hold the pen and plans for your life. Stop trying to run ahead of me. Let me work in my time."  That was the piece that made everything I had been feeling the last 3 weeks make sense. I was trying to do everything in my strength. I had to figure out what was next, and I had to make plans for what the future was to hold. Just before the trip, I told a friend that I had a feeling that God was doing something big in my life, but I did not know what, when, or how to prepare for it. I still have that feeling, but now I'm not trying to figure it out, but allowing myself to sit with that feeling and just doing what the last thing I know God asked me to do, which is trust Him and serve Him where I am planted. (This is still a work in progress, and I am nowhere near perfect in this.) Another thought that stuck with me from that last night was something the missionary, Jorge, said. Jorge was commenting on how flexible our group was. We had a plan for the week, but were open to that changing when the Holy Spirit led. He said, "You left room for God to move in your plans."  I am not good at remembering to leave room for God in my plans. I like to know what is going on and for life to go according to my plan. There was a lot that happened this week that was not part of my plan. Conversations with people I did not know, a migraine that forced me to stop helping and actually leave the job site to try and sleep it off, a flight that was delayed and then did loops in the sky because of the weather, but they were all part of God's plan. A plan that He had since the foundation of the earth, a plan that included this frail, flimsy, and often failing young woman.  God sent a constant physical reminder to me this week of His being in control, in the form of a bracelet that I was given by someone that I have never met before, someone who had no idea what my struggles are and have been.  It's a pink bracelet that says "God is in control." I did not know how much I needed the physical reminder that God is in control till I was all by myself, struggling with a migraine so strong that lights and sounds hurt. I don't like to not finish a job, I don't like stopping when everyone else is working, yet I had no control over the pain in my head or how long it would last. Only God has that control; He used that to show me that I have to allow Him to have control and not force my plan when His plan is different. A lesson one would think I would have learned by now... maybe this time it will stick! 

My 2026 word

     I know I'm a few days late on this post. A few weeks ago, I was so sure of what the word for 2026 was going to be. But when I sat down to type this up, nothing would come. It was as if there was something in me saying, "You have the wrong word." The word I thought I was going to use for 2026 was "Wait". I was looking at 2026 with all the plans I had and was waiting for the right moment to implement them. I was waiting for God to move and work in ways I had prayed for. I would have gone on to say it was not going to be a passive waiting, but active. Going on a mission trip, serving at church, working hard, and baking. Waiting at the feet of Jesus.  Now I think I was waiting for the word God wanted me to focus on this year. 

      As I prayed about what 2026 would look like, and what word would embody all that I wanted in 2026, the word that came to mind is Deeper. I want a deeper relationship and understanding of the God that made me. I want to go deeper into the relationships He has placed in my life: friends, family, and someone special that I'm enjoying getting to know.  

    Merriam-Webster dictionary.com  has several definitions for Deeper. The ones I want to focus on are:  1.D extending far laterally from the center, and 3. G full, complete, or thorough in quality or nature. I want a life that takes me deeper into the center of God's love for me. That will look like being more intentional about studying His love letter to me, talking to Him in prayer. I want to have a fuller, more complete understanding of the God who made me. Psalm 1:2-3 "But the delight is in the law of the LORD; and in his law doth he meditate day and night. And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit in his season. His leaf also shall not wither; and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper." (KJV) Ephesians 3:17-20 "That Christ may dwell in your hearts by faith; that ye being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend withall saints what is the breadth and length and depth and height; and to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fulness of God. Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above what we can ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us." (KJV) I know that as I pursue a deeper relationship with my Heavenly Father, it will overflow into my relationships with the people in my life, as they are made in His image. 

    Oceans by Hillsong is a song I want to be my soundtrack for this year. Mainly the verse that says "Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Saviour."

Find the full song Here 

Lies

 What is the lie you battle constantly? The lie that you maybe don't know where it came from but it has worked its way into your thoughts. That thought goes against all that God says about you. You know that it is a lie and yet you can't stop it from impacting how you view yourself. We all have them, the things we belive about our selves for good or bad. I have a lie that I fight nearly  every day about myself. Every time it starts to grow I take the Sword of Truth and hack at it till I have cut it down. Thinking this time  I have removed the root of it. Then it grows back, stronger than before. So I attack  it again thinking this is the time I will have it beaten. Only to have it grow back a few days later. We all have those consistent battles again our flesh. Yet, as a "good Christian" we don't talk about our struggles cause as a "good Christian" we are supposed  to have the victory  in Christ. As a "good" Christian "I can do all things through  Christ who strengthens me" Phillipines 4:13. As a "good" Christian "Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things have become new." 2 Corinthians 5:17. I can go on quoting all the verses about my identity  in Christ, but one thing I am leaning as I grow up is I don't fight alone. I am not talking about having Christ fighting for me (even as comforting as that thought  is) I am talking about letting other godly Christians in and letting them know of the struggle  so they can come along side me. To pray and encourage me to keep fighting. They can best pray for me when I am honest and transparent about what I am struggling with. How often do I allow shame to stop me from being honest with those that I can trust? How often  do I convince myself  that I don't need to reach out to others? That I can fight this on my own? Maybe  that is part of Satan's plan to make us all feel isolated  and alone so that we continue  to struggle and forget that the Bible says "For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him that is alone when he falleth, for he hath not another to help him up." Ephesians 4:10 This is why it is so important  to have a good church family  and close godly people in your life that you can trust. 

Excuse me while go and put into practice  what God showed me while writing this.... 

flowers and work

 I grew up working in the garden whether it was with my dad in the veggie garden we attempted every year or a flower garden with my mom. Some of my favorite memories with my Meme are of working in the gardens at her house. Now I have gardens of my own and I get to do most of the work myself. It's not easy and often is I think back to the amazing gardens of my mom and Meme, I get discouraged at how far I have to go to my gardens worthy of being compared to theirs.  Mom the other day as I was commenting on how far I have to go reminded me that the gardens I am comparing had years of work done before I can remember.  How often do I do that? compare where I am to someone who is older or on a different path? I look at where I am compared to someone who had years to work on their yard. I have only owned this place for almost 2 years.  I do the same thing on my walk with Christ. I compare where I am now to people who have had years longer than I have in their walk,  and this leads me to become discouraged and frustrated with what I see as slow or no growth. But when I look at myself now compared to a year ago or two I can see the growth. I can see the fruit or flowers God is growing in my life. The flowers in my yard only grow because I weed and remove plants blocking the sun and rain. At times I have to dig up the flowers, divide them and replant them. That way they continue to grow and thrive. If plants could think and talk I wonder what they would say when they see me come with the pruners and shovel? Would they think " Why would you move me? I am established here, all my friends are here. There is good soil here. I don't want to move!"  I know that was my thoughts 2 years ago when I moved to AL. Even a year ago when I went through a traumatic event. I asked God "Why are you doing this? You uprooted me separated me from my friends and placed me here for this to happen to me? I don't understand what you are doing!"  If I am 100% transparent and honest I even asked " Who would notice if I walked away from God?" Thankfully God did not let me walk away. He always had an answer to that question. Even know I don't know the extent of why I had to walk through this season but I can say that the flowers that grew out of it are blooming wonderfully in this season. 

These flowers did not bloom this magnificently last year because they were growing under the shade of a tree. With help a few weeks ago the tree came out now the flowers can bloom like they haven't in years!  Even now there is still more work to be done in this part of the yard. Once the blooms die in the fall I will dig them up, divide them and plant them in other places in the yard. This will allow them more space to bloom even better next year.  Just as God continues to work on the garden of my soul I will work on my gardens comparing them only to what was before. 

shame

 Shame, even just writing the word is uncomfortable. Shame builds a prison around us. It tells us to hide and keep silent about what we are going through. Shame has its place and its use. It will cause us to change and turn from sin. But what if the shame is not related to sin? Rather if the shame is because we are believing a lie? What do we do with it then? How do we get out of the prison of shame? This past year I have been walking through a trial that I never expected. In this trial, I started to feel shame. Now this trial was not caused by actions of mine, in fact, I could not have prevented it from happening. So why was I experiencing shame? My shame told me to keep silent, to not let anyone know what had happened or how much I was struggling in the aftermath. The shame started with a lie that I believed about the relationship between faith and trials. Somehow the idea, that by having enough faith all my trials in life would be easy. I knew that faith did not mean trials would never happen but the idea that if my faith was strong the trials would not be so hard, had worked its way into my thinking. So when faced with this trail that shook my world and threw me into the ring of trauma the logical thought was my faith was not strong enough. I was questioning why this happened to me, where was God in all this, and why did I not have enough faith to not question God's plan or his goodness.  It took me months to admit to myself and others that I was struggling with shame. It wasn't till I admitted it that I was able to start removing the gag shame had placed on me. I was only able to let go of the shame with God's help. God used a sermon on Joseph and a lesson on "Be still" to open my eyes to the truth and to start removing the gag and hold shame had on me. 

 Joseph did nothing to deserve the bad things that happened to him. It was all someone else's actions that landed him in jail. Even at the low points in Joseph's life, He never gave up on God. Joseph prospered in jail because he chose to be with God. Prospering doesn't mean trials will not come or they will be easy but rather comes from walking hand in hand with God in the trials. This thought was like a wrecking ball to the lie I was believing. With the foundation of the lie destroyed I was able to correct my thinking, but how did I let go of the shame that had become my consent accessory? That came from the lesson on "Be Still". The lesson was based on Psalm 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth." The Hebrew word translated "be still" in that verse has the idea of "slacken". The illustration given was that of playing tug of war with Satan when we stop holding so tight to the rope and allow God to step in and fight on our behalf, that is to "be still".  I do not have to fight satan when it comes to dealing with my shame, I have to slacken my hold and allow God to fight for me. Only then do I stand a chance of winning.  Letting go takes faith,  and it can be the smallest amount of faith but that is all God needs to do something amazing. That does not mean that the trial will be easy, in fact sometimes letting go is the hardest thing to do. It means that there is a person stronger than myself I can turn to in the hard trials of life. 

From Live to Joyful

 Every year I pick a word for the year. 2022's word was Live. I picked that word because 2021 I worked a lot, I had to so I could pay the bills. I didn't want to miss out on life because of work. Well in, 2022 I ended up moving to Alabama. This allowed me to experience this I never thought I would get to do. I went on my first missions' trip to Honduras. I visited Florida, Tennessee and Kannas. I also bought a house! I can say 2022 was full of living. For 2023 I picked the word Thrive. For 2023 I wanted to do more than just live I wanted to Thrive. To me that meant growing closer to Christ and walking through the doors placed before me. It meant making choices that would lead to financial stability.  I can't say 2023 went how I thought it would. It was full of highs and lows. I started teaching Sunday school at church. I started my cottage law bakery, got a promotion at work and made some great friends. Some of the lows where I had the most terrifying night of my life. And 4 days before 2023 came to a close I fell ice skating and sprained my wrist. (Decently sprained, at that even now I am typing one handed.)  Through everything God stayed faithful to me so that I could thrive under His wings. In the past year I have learned a deeper trust in the one who writes my story. 

The word I have picked for 2024 is Joyful. Merian Websters dictionary defines Joyful as experiencing, causing, or showing joy. Biblical joy is a choice. Joy is not based on what I experiencing or what trail I am going through. Being joyful is a choice I make despite my situation. It means I will praise in the storm. It means in the pain I chose to trust the Great Healer for healing. I have a feeling that 2024 will not go the way I think but I will Joyfully follow God wherever he leads me.

Bells and cheers

 For the past few months, I have struggled with trusting in God's goodness. I know He is good; I believe it with all my heart. God has proven time and again that He is good in my life.  And yet in this trial I found myself asking "If God is good, why did this happen to me?" A question that I thought I would never struggle with. I have walked through losing family members in different ways and times, going away to college, moving cross country and not knowing what God is doing with my life. But through all that I never asked, "If God is good, why...?" It's not that God has changed because He is unchanging, this test is not something I have encountered before. In the struggle I know where to turn, I turn to God!! He is not afraid of my questions and doubt, in fact He welcomes them. When I run to the Father with my questions, He holds my heart and reminds me His character.  This time was no different. One day when I was really struggling with trusting God's goodness, the song I Heard the Bells on Christmas day performed by Casting Crowns came up on my playlist. As the song played I thought back to last year when I saw the film about why Henry Longfellow wrote that song.  I thought about how Longfellow lost his wife and was injured in a fire, how he almost lost his son during the civil war. A war Longfellow did not want his son to fight in. But even after all that Henry Longfellow wrote:

And in despair I bowed my head:

"There is no peace on earth," I said,

"For hate is strong, and mocks the song

Of peace on earth, good will to men."

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:

"God is not dead, nor doth He sleep;

The wrong shall fail, the right prevail,

With peace on earth, good will to men."

If after all the hard stuff Longfellow could say that God is not dead or sleeping. He could say that God is good. There is a crowd of witnesses in Heaven that have endured trials like mine or harder and have fought the good fight. They are cheering me on. That motivates me to hang on and continue to trust that God is in control. To trust that He is good, and His plan is good. I can hold on to the fact that God is not done working on me yet. 

Philippians 1:6 "Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ" 

Storms

We all have storms in our lives. Hurricanes, tornadoes, and snow storms to name a few. We also go through figurative storms also known as tests or hardships. The last few months I have been in figurative storms, all crashing down at the same time. This morning driving to work I remembered two lines from different preachers. "God is God of the Storm." Dr. Steve Pettit  and "God is God in the storm." Pastor Cary Schmidt (I am 95% sure I have that right.)  After these thoughts crossed my mind the song Praise You in The Storm by Casting Crowns came on the radio. The course goes 

"You never left my side

And though my heart is torn 

I will praise You in this storm."

In the storms I am living through  God is good!! He has led me this far. God, through the pastor at my AL church, provided a working dryer when mine stopped working. Not only did Pastor  Brian get the dryer, he helped haul the old one out and the new one in. God surrounded me with godly friends who are okay with me texting them late at night when my emotions are all over the place.  God gave me some amazing sisters that have been with me encouraging me with each twist and turn. God gave me parents that care for me. God gave my parents the knowledge and tools to help me in this. God holds me when a song makes me fall apart. God is still the voice of truth when the father of lies tries to get me to believe his lies. 

I want to have the faith the disciples had when they woke Jesus when they were in the boat in the storm. Matthew 8:24-25 says "  And, behold, there arose a great tempest in the sea, insomuch that the ship was covered with the waves: but he was asleep.  And his disciples came to him, and awoke him, saying, Lord, save us: we perish."  For Most of my life I have heard this passage preached as the disciples had no faith. But Jesus does not say they have no faith in verse 26, He says "...O, Ye of little faith?..." The disciples had enough faith to wake up Jesus. If they had no faith they would not have bothered to turn to Jesus. If they had no faith then they would not believe that Jesus could do anything to change their situation. They might not have known what Jesus would do but, they believed he could do something. How often do I not turn to God in my storms? How often do I let my fear overtake my faith? Because I believe God is the creator of the universe then when a storm blows into my life He should be the one I run to.  

I may not know when the storm will end but I know who is LORD of the Storm! I can praise Him in the storm. I thank Him for the healing that has happened and will happen. I praise  Him for the peace that will be restored. I praise God for the good that will come from this storm. 

Fear vs trauma

 Growing up in a Christian home I heard all the verses about not fearing, I even memorized a few. Verses like "We are not given a spirit of fear, but of power, of love, and of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7 KJV. A few weeks ago I experienced something that left behind a lot of fear. I am talking about an event that rewrote how I viewed the world. After that event a friend  quoted this verse  to me. This person  meant it to be encouraging and comforting. It provided a bit of comfort. But then, the Father of lies used this truth to sow seeds of doubt and anger. Doubt that I was being a good Christian in this trial cause  I still felt the fear. Anger at myself  that I was not recovering  from the fear faster. Satan tried to convince me that because of the fear and panic I am still struggling with that God could not use me or make me whole again. Try as I might to shut down the lies and to not feel the fear, I could not in my own power. The more I tried the more the doubt grew. It was not till I studied the context of 2 Timothy 1:7 that the lies lost all their power.

Paul wrote that verse  to Timothy, his son in the faith. This was the last letter Paul would write. When you put 2 Timothy 1:7 in the context with verses 8-9. It paints a very different  picture. Paul is talking about the fear that stops us from sharing the gospel. In fact the Greek word Paul uses is deilia. This word has more of the meaning  of timidity. Matthew used the same word in Matthew 8:26 " And he saith unto them, Why are ye fearful, O ye of little faith? Then he arose, and rebuked the winds and the sea; and there was a great calm." The word translated "fearful" in this verse is the same Greek word Paul used in 2 Timothy. The word Paul used that we translate to  "sound mind"  is the Greek word for self- discipline. Paul is not giving a command to never fear but rather to not be controlled by fear. This similar to the exhortation to the Ephesians to allow the Holy Spirit to control them. God never expected us to not feel fear, but He expects us to turn to Him in our fear. In turning to Him we take control back from the hands of fear and place in the hands of our loving Lord. Sometimes fear comes from a place of uncertainty. This is the fear Paul is saying we are not to have, because of how big our God is. Other times fear comes from trauma. 

The Greek word for trauma  is translated  as wounds. It is only used once in the Bible, it is found in Luke 10:34. When it talks about the good Samaritan cleaning the wounds of the Jewish man. No one ever tells the Jewish man to not feel his wounds , or to not be afraid to walk that stretch of road. I wonder what he felt the next time had to travel that way. Did he insist that someone go with him? Did he try and google a different way to go? Did he freeze when he got to that point in the road? What did his family think about the sift in his actions? Did people tell him not to fear? Maybe one day I will be able to ask Jesus these questions. I know that these details would not help the point Jesus was making with this parable but still I wonder. The fear that I feel is not from a place of doubt and lack of faith but from a place that is wounded. Though I bare no physical wounds from the event that has cause the trauma, I bear the mental and emotional wounds. 

As I walk with God through the healing process I know He is in control and I will strive daily to allow Him to have total control. My prayer through all this is that God would show me Him self like He did with Job or to allow me to see some of the good that He is working because of this. 

Overwhelming fear, Bigger God

 Have you ever been overwhelmed  by fear? The type of fear that leaves  you shaking like a leaf in a hurricane? The type of fear that takes a long time to fully get over? The type of fear that is also called trauma?  I know I hadn't  till it rang my doorbell.  Maybe one day I will be able to tell you the whole story.  I have started the road of healing. It is going to take sometime, But God is with me. 

God was with me that morning protecting me. God was with me later when the panic came back. God knew I was going to need a week in a place I felt safe taking care of dogs and had that in place weeks before. A year ago God knew I was going to need a person that I trust to walk with me down this part of the road, so he lead me to start therapy.  

Just like Job who never got the answer to his question "Why did this happen to me, God?" I may never know the reason. But God is the same God. He still names the stars and leads them in seasons." Can you bind the chains of the Pleiades? Can you loosen Orion’s belt? Can you bring forth the constellations in their seasons or lead out the Bear with its cubs? Do you know the laws of the heavens? Can you set up God’s dominion over the earth? " Job 38: 31-33.  The same God that cares to knows the number of hairs on my head.  "Are not two sparrows sold for a farthing? and one of them shall not fall on the ground without your Father. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear ye not therefore, ye are of more value than many sparrows." Matthew 10:29-31.  

I have wonderful people in my life that are supporting me and helping me through this. I have faith that God will carry me through this just like He has every other trial I have faced. Because my God is bigger than my fear!!

Stand still

All of us have a fight or flight reaction to the things that we are afraid of. I am afraid of the unknown and my reaction to it is flight. When faced with plans that get derailed my first thought it to run, and run far way. The past few days I have struggled with the desire to run. I am not talking like a jog around the block but uproot my life and move halfway across the country type of running. But I can't, God in his wisdom has locked every door I try to open.  I have not been good at standing still, I don't like it. I would rather be doing something then being still. Yesterdays sermon was on enduring and being ready. Pastor Cary said that God has given us each a mission for this time in our lives, this time of pandemic. Mine is to stay put in CT. I am not good at staying put when I can not see the reason behind it. Many places in the bible we  see "stand still". The Jews were told in Exodus to "stand still and see the salvation of the Lord." (Exodus 14:13 kjv)  Job was told to "Hearken unto this, O Job: stand still, and consider the wondrous works of God." (Job 37:14 kjv)  In theses examples they were able to stand because they remembered who was telling them to stand still. Most of the time when someone I trust tells me to do something I do it. God has proven himself to me time and time again, I can trust him in this. I may not be able to see the purpose in this but God never moves with out purpose. I don't have to be inactive when standing still, I am called to love those around me in the waiting. I am called to still serve God in the stillness. This standing still for me is telling my heart and mind to stop looking for ways to get away. To stop looking for the next thing, trying to force it.

Strength

I have spent a lot of time in this blog devoted to fear and trust. How those themes have played out in my life and my faith. I think now more then ever the world needs to hear the voice that speaks truth and to find a love that cast out fear.  We can be afraid for many different reasons in a time of crisis. Questions like "What will happen to the stock market?" "What will happen if I get sick?" "What if my loved one dies?" "How could a good God let this happen?" and "What will happen next?" All of these questions come from a place of doubt, from the place in our hearts that still listens to the father of lies. These questions can show us our weakness. When a young child feels scared or weak they run to mom and dad, they run to a place of safety. We need to do the same!! When fear and lies try to run us ragged we need to run to the Good Father. Having a safe place to rest does you no good if you do not go to it. God has not left us, He never can! God is not weakened by this His strength is perfect. In the last few weeks I have had trouble with my car. First the tire went then a few weeks later their was an issue with the power steering. Both times I ran to my parents and was able rest in their strength. I could have handled both issues on my own but in the moment as I was scared I would not think straight. Panic and fear over took me but as soon as heard my parents the fear went away and I could think again. Their clam strength comforted me and strengthened me. God does the same thing for us every day.  His strengthening hand will sustain and protect us no matter what happens. God is with us in the storm. 

Pastors sermon from this past Sunday was just what I need to hear. I had the main points running in my mind all day. If you get a minute you should give it a listen.    https://ebcnewington.com/messages/fearless/?sapurl=Lyt4NHJzL2xiL21pLytuaHRxYm5jP2VtYmVkPXRydWU=

looking behind, looking forward

2019 is done!! 2020 is just beginning!! New year, new lessons, new mercies and memories  yet to be made. 

This is the time of year we pause  and look back at what happened  and make plans for what will happen. This is something  that we need more of, more times to stop and remember  Gods provision, leading and deliverance. The Jewish calendar  is full of festivals  and feasts  that do this. Three separate  times did the Jews go to Jerusalem to feast, celebrate and remember. 

Today looking  back on what God has done in my 2019, there was a lot of blessings and growing. 2019 brought family back together, added to the family. In 2019 I got back an uncle and his family, and a second cousin reconnected. My family  grew by a brother in law, a niece and a foster brother. 2019 brought  growth  in my job by way of two position changes. I grew in my education  by completing  one year in my bachelor's degree and managed  to make the Dean's list this past year. Each change  brought  challenges and blessings. I learned  that God values me more then I ever do. He allowed  me to visit  friends and grow closer  to others. He helped  me to see that I have to be more intentional about my relationships with him, my family  and friends. 

I know that in 2020 God will continue  to guide  my steps, if I allow  him to. I will trust that he is building  my life the way he has planned. I am excited  about what God is doing in my heart, mind and life. 

Each year I choose  a word for that year to focus  on 2019's word was peace. By focusing  on peace  I saw it in ways I never had. Not only does God give me peace when I should be anxious but he can use me to bring peace in to the lives of those  I interact with. For 2020 I have chosen  the word Build. Merriam Webster dictionary .com defines build  "to develop according to a systematic plan, by a definite process, or on a particular base"( 3rd entry) In 2020 I look forward  to seeing  how God will build my life according  to his systematic plan. 

Seasons

       In New England we have the joy of experiencing four major seasons in the year Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter. If you ask anyone "What is your favorite season?" You will get a million different answers and reasons.  If you were to ask me that question I would answer all of them! Each season has something good and a different beauty.  The beauty we see in spring is the beauty of the new growth. Everything is green and new. Yes there is mud and rain but, that just makes the green standout that much more. Bird song fills the air in the spring, animals everywhere are giving birth and hatching. Summers beauty is that of all the flowers that bloom in the summer. Summer is filled with friends, family and food. The sunsets in the summer are breath taking and the nights star filled.  The beauty of fall is found in the changing of the leaves. From green to red, yellow, and orange the tree line becomes a blaze of color. Apples, pumpkins and corn mazes fill the time and thoughts of all. I have found that the more gray the day the more the colors of the trees pop. Winter, the season everyone picks on, has a beauty that can be found in the fresh coat of snow. Winters beauty is also seen in the icicles that hang off of trees and power lines.
     Often life is said to come in seasons, seasons of singleness, married, loss, and happiness to name a few. Just like the seasons of the year  we tend to value one season of life more then the others. In most churches I have been in being single is looked down upon for a young woman of my age. Much like winter is often disliked by those who live in colder climates.  Over the last few weeks the Sunday school group I am in at church has been studying the about dating and the process that leads to marriage. For the first time in my life I am not ashamed of being single. I can now see that God has a plan and purpose for this season in my life just like the seasons in the weather.  Without springs rains we can not have a bountiful harvest in the summer and fall. Without the cold winter months the ground and plants do not have a time to rest. Without the leaves falling of the trees the winter snow would be to heavy for the limbs of the trees. Without summers heat the crops would not ripen, and we would not enjoy the cool fall weather as much.  God has a plan in every season, and a purpose for every season. The times that are hard or difficult help strengthen us for the next challenge. The times of loss help us to cherish the time we have and those around us. Being single is a time where I can help in a way someone who is married or has kids never can. Being single means that I can be there to help my sister with her kids, or my mom with a project. It means I can drive to Maryland for my best friends wedding with little difficultly. Being single does not mean I am less than, there is no one who is less than in God's kingdom. Being married does not mean you do not have the less freedom then a single person,  it just means your priories and worries are different.  If I were to spend all my time wishing for a different season I would miss the beauty and the lessons of the season I am in. Those who spend all winter wishing for spring or summer miss the beauty of the snow. This also leads them to spend the season miserable. If I spend the season of singleness in my life wishing I am married and put all my happiness in the idea of being married then I will not be happy when that happens to me and I would have missed out on all the opportunities that are before me because I am not married. The bible is full of verses about being content and the effects of discontentment on the body. One that stands out to me is "A sound heart is the life of the flesh: but envy the rottenness of the bones" Proverbs 14:30 (KJV). When all I can focus on is what others have that I don't it is not good for my spiritual or physical health. I have to walk that path that God has set before me and not the path He has planed for anyone else. 

stress, worry and failure

One of the things I fear most in life is failure. In my mind I know that everyone makes mistakes and that everyone fails, but I have a hard time getting my heart to accepted it. To the point that I stress and worry about it A LOT! The last 2 weeks this fear has raised its ugly head once again. I got a promotion at work, now this is something that I have worked hard and prayed for. In my head I know that I am ready for this and I want it, but something in me is afraid that I will make a mistake and fall flat on my face. Even after my bosses reassured me that they were only a text or a call away and that they had faith in me, the father of lies still whispered in my ear that I was not good enough and that I would mess everything up. I listened to them, not only that I believed them. I forgot to listen to the voice of Truth, the one who knows me best and has a plan for me. Instead I listened and gave into fear.  All that stress, worry and fear did was make it so I did not sleep well and caused me to fight a battle that left me emotionally tired and drained. 

But God, in his goodness know what need to happen to get my attention. On the way home from church last night I had deiced that I would hold on for 1 full month, 4 weeks, in this new position and if by that time I was still feeling the same way I would make a change. Did you catch that? I had...  not God, in fact He did not even enter the picture. How foolish am I? But God is still good to the foolish and the weak. The rest of the drive home song after song on the radio was about God and his plan, goodness, faithfulness and love. Songs that reminded me where my strength come from and that God is not done with me. Songs like Francesca Battiselli's Giants Fall, Unspokens' Good Fight and Laura Storys' Look Up Child. 
It is going to be a change, but God is writing the story and not me. I need to remind myself that the Fear is a liar and that I can fight fear when I stand on the promises of God. My only failure was to forget that God is good, a lesson I am slow to learn. 

trials, tragedies and reasons

We all go through trials and tragedies. In those moments we look for the reasons as to why. I have been told that there are three reasons why we go through trials. The first is correction, one example of this is in the life of David. When he sinned with Bathsheba the tragedy that came from that was the death of their son. Next is protective, the trial stops us from making the wrong move. An example of this is the thorn of the flesh that Paul had, it kept him humble so that he did not fall into the sin of pride. The third reason that is given is to teach, for this example we turn to Job. God allowed the trails in Jobs life to teach Job more about God. So what do you do if your trial does not fit any of those categories? This happened to my mom the last few years. In the last few years my family has walked through many different trials. After hearing a sermon on trails a few weeks ago she started to wrestle with God for an reason why. None of the stuff she has been through fit into the categories that were given in the sermon she heard. God gave her an answer in the most unexpected way. God directed my moms thoughts to how Bathsheba and Job's wife must have felt walking through the tragedies they faced. The situations they when through where not of their making, so it was not corrective. We do not see any sin that were stopped by these situations, so not protective. The bible does not tell us what these woman learned about God through these tragedies, that eliminates teaching trails. Why did these women have to deal with the trail? The answer my mom got makes a lot of sense. There is a fourth reason for trails! My mom put it this way "The trials were not purposeful but they were not purposeless either. God did not plan them for me, but he still used them in my life." (Amy Smith) She explained it as if what she was dealing with was collateral damage. That there was a trail in someone else life that was affecting her as well. Much like Bathsheba and Job's wife did not ask for the things they dealt with but because of the choices of others they had to walk though it. This does not make it any easier to walk through the trail. It gives new meaning to the verse "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28 KJV).   We will not always know the reason for the tragedies that happen in this life till we get to heaven. There is peace in knowing that even when nothing make sense that God is still in control! My mom did not know how much I need to hear this truth that God had shown her. A few weeks ago we learned that my Pepe has cancer. For the last few weeks I have been at a lost as how to accept that my family will have to walk this path yet again. It will be hard, but God has plan. I am not called to understand every detail of His plan, I am called to trust and obey.       

Bigger plans

"We are not giving you the promotion but I have bigger plans for you."  That was the way the conversation started with my boss this afternoon. This is the second time I have tried for this and not made the mark. I am glad for the guy who got the position but at the same time I am have to figure out how to take it. 

  This not the first time in the last few weeks were the idea of someone having bigger plans for me has crossed my mind. In church for the last few weeks pastor has been talking about trusting Gods plans and not ours. We all come to a point in our lives where we must choose between our will and Gods perfect plan. Some of the time God tells us " I am not giving you this thing you want that is a good thing. But I have something better planed for you, you just have to wait." How hard is the waiting!! Abraham was told this many times and sometimes he waited and other times he did not. The bible is full of stories where men and women of faith were forced to make the same choices. 

There is a song by Casting Crowns that has been on my mind since that conversation earlier today and that is Dream for You. Here is part of it. 

"So come on, let Me dream, let Me dream for you

I am strong when you're weak and I'll carry you

So let go of your plan, be caught by My hand

I'll show you what I can do

When I dream for you

When I dream for you."

When we allow God, the dream giver, to dream for us the dreams we get are so beyond what we could ever think or dare to ask. So take the disappointments of this life and give them to the plan maker for He is not done yet. 

Here is link to a new song I heard the other day that also has been playing in the back of my mind Danny Gokey -Haven't seen it Yet. This song is making its way to the top spot on my list. 

Life Rubric

For those who don`t know I recently started pursuing a Bachelors in Business Administration through Grand Canyon University online program. Today in "class" the instructor asked us what was our Life Rubric. That is to say what are the forces that drive our decision making and how do we know we are doing thing properly? I only intended to write a short answer to the question but 500 words later I was done.  I hope you enjoy my long answer to a simple question.

    What are the "life" rubrics I use? Each thing on the rubric ties to a person in my life. I want to be dedicated like my Grandpepe, He stayed married to the same woman for over 70 years. 40 years into his marriage, when he retired, he learned that the wife he thought he knew was a stranger to him. At some point in the first 40 years of marriage my Grandmeme started to drink a lot, she still does, but because my Grandpepe was never home during the day to see it he had no idea it was so bad. At one point my Grandpepe told my Meme (grandmother) that he was thinking about divorcing my Grandmeme. But he did not because he made a promise to her to stick with her till death do them part. This is only one of the characteristics that made Grandpepe so special.

  The next item on my rubric for life is I want to be generous like my Uncle John. Uncle John died six years ago this past June. The thing about Uncle John was he would give you the shirt off his back if you need it. When I was about six or seven years old my mom decided to take me and my four sisters on a trip to visit her sister in Kansas and my dad was not able to come. This trip happened only about a year after 9/11, my youngest sister was only about one year old. Uncle John dropped everything and took the trip with us. He helped my Mom get all of us to and from the planes in the airport, at one point we got on the wrong plane. If not for my Uncle the trip would have been a complete disaster. Everyone who knew him said the same thing, He would go out of his way to help others. That is want people to say of me.  

   Third item on the rubric is I want to be loving like my Meme. Meme after having six kids decided that she wanted to adopt. My Meme and Pepe (grandfather) adopted a total of six kids. They took kids at no one else wanted, kids labeled special needs. Some had previous adoptions be disrupted for some reason or another. Some of the kid’s birth parents were in jail for drugs and stealing. One of my Uncles was in 22 foster homes before he was seven years old. Meme loved them all, she still does. She gave them childhoods that they never would have had elsewhere. Meme would tell you that she is too loving, too trusting. But I think she has so much love in her from her father, Grandpepe, that it can not but help to spill over all over the place. I love you, Meme!

  Forth, I want to be a woman of faith like Mom. My mom has had some tough hand dealt her. But she never gave up on God or her family. When I feel discouraged, frustrated or upset Mom is the person I turn to. I have watched her as she has dealt with lack of finical resources so that she could stay home with us five. I have watched her as she dealt with the loss of her brother, Uncle John, and her grandfather, Grandpepe. I watched her support my father as he went through the loss of his mother, father and brother Uncle Doug. Through it all she just grew closer to God.

   I could go on and on but I have already taken to much of your time. Sorry for being so long winded and Thank you.

Thanksgiving

     Thanksgiving the time of year were we stop and think about what we are thankful for. Family, friends, and food are usually at the top of the list. But have you ever been thankful for the testings? Have you ever truly thanked God for the trials in your life?
     James 1:2-3 says "My brethren, count it all Joy when ye fall into divers temptations; Knowing this that the trying of your faith worketh patience."  What does this look like? I mean in the middle off the trials I have read this verse and thought "How is this going to work patience?"  And "This! This is supposed to be for my good?" 
    Recently I heard a new song by We Are Messengers called Maybe It's Okay.  The chorus goes      
                     " Maybe it's ok if I'm not ok
        'Cause the One who holds the world is holding onto me
                    Maybe it's all right if I'm not all right
       'Cause the One who holds the stars is holding my whole life"
In a world today we are told "don't let anyone so you not at your best."  "Fake it till you make it."  But God tell us "Trust me." "Lean on me." " Let me carry you through."  When we understand that God uses things we don't understand to grow us we can thank him for the trials. Most often we thank him for the blessings that follow the trial, but not during the trial. (Guilty as charged)
      This year at Thanksgiving I am thankful for
         1. The hard things I have gone through trying to find my way in the "real" world. It lead me to being able to help my sister.
        2. My car having to go to the shop. It means I get to spend time with Abby and Ava!
        3. Long, hard days at work. I have money in my pocket, well money to help spend on those I love.